Sex War

I never knew what it was like - being hurt. More often then not there was a sun in my life, and I thought life was good. I couldn't ever wake and not meet a day without the sun. Life sparkled, and it made me smile. But now I can hardly sleep and every morning I feel melancholy, like there is a weight on my chest and it is not easily lifted. I could try and be happy, but most people who force themselves to be happy hold tears in their eyes, and everyone asks them why they are crying even when their smile is shining bright. I have decided not to be fake, but moody, to make people notice that I am unhappy. Most people do not notice, and so the grey clouds stay and I can hardly feel good about anything. I look in the mirror and I wonder if this is going to be my life? a grim face... A creek on the floor and I am startled. I bite my tongue and bite on the urge to jump out the window. Who is it? What is it? Fears climb up my spine as I think of a monster trying to break through. I scream! But my mouth fails to move and so I cannot be heard. But I hear it inside rather loud - a scream. It is me. i hold my breath as I feel a tense heat hit my head. The door knob turns, and so does my heart as I stare. "Who are you?" I ask as I see a stranger walk inside. "You know me;" he says. I grow faint at the knees I can't hardly guess. But then it comes to me in the dream and I see his face - the image matches the picture on the mantle. "Oh it's you;" I sigh. I turn away - I am disgusted, repulsed; how to make him vanish? He walks up to me and he runs his fingers through my hair. "Stop it!" I snap as I feel a worm crawl through my stomach. A bird raps at the window - it startles me, and I pull away. "It's just a bird;" he mutters. "It's not supposed to be there!" I remark before I move to step further away. "Hey where are you going?" he asks as he pulls me back. I feel a shudder that crawls through my bones - who is he deep inside? I monster? A gorilla? The devil? I can't see him, it's all just a blur of emotions and I look until I see myself screaming; He puts his hand up my skirt. I feel a loss. I am bleeding inside; in the morning I throw up blood and it is because he has touched me down there. It is more then just a dot, or an ache; it is sickness and I feel like I am dying. I turn to him with wet inside my eyes. He smiles at me. He can't even see I am miserable he just sees himself. "Can't you ever see me?" I ask as tears pour down my face. "Yes I can;" he mutters. "You love me;" I shiver. I turn away disgusted. He used to ask me if I loved him. I used to say yes and mean it. The words are lost in a world far away underneath the covers of a memory. It was the couch; the one that sits in the small study at the back. We turned it into a television room during summer vacation so that we could watch television night or day without the sun bothering us. I was smiling at one of the romance movies as he was taking his time to stare at me. He then leaned towards me and asked me if I loved him. I said 'of course' and meant it with my heart jumping high and low. I was in love with him - he was smart, accomplished, good looking; everyone could see he was a really great guy. When he kissed me then and there I almost wanted him to. I tried to love him with his lips over mine, but my guilt pricked me with the tip of an arrow head and I jumped. It was then I tried to push him away, it was then I began to cry. I look away. It is hopeless. He just wants to be closer when I want him further away. "i don't love you any more;" I tell him. He grabs me and looks at me hard. "Why not?" he asks. "I don't like you;" I shrug as large tears roll down my face. I that a wrinkle under his eye? Is that spittle on his lip? Things I overlooked stand out in a manner so disgusting and I just want to be separated from him. "Let me go..." I tell him as his nails rake my skin. "Let me go - I mean it!" I yell. "Don't yell at me!" he tells me firmly. "Never yell at me!" he adds before he slaps me so hard I see a blanket of snow with lights shining bright. I blink. I gulp in a breath. I am already panting and I have just woken up. I wave my arms and touch him - his shirt is open and I feel his hot flesh. I shake my head and I look around - I can't see much but the bed is springing up and down like there's someone jumping on it. But no one is jumping - it is us, we're having sex. "You can't do this!" I whine. He runs fingers over my cheek before he slaps it hard. I almost break my neck and I sob as I lay there with hot tears inside of my eyes. I feel swells and spills where my thighs should be clean, and hours pass and I beg him to stop until my breath is hoarse. I grow thirst like I am sun-baking in the desert, and I need to gulp hard while heat rises off my dry tongue. He stops. Sobbing he grips the blankets hard, and then he cries. I cry too. We then cry together like babies begging for a morsel of food. But we are not hungry, we are empty of love, until it hurts. "Forgive me;" he mutters after a while. I ask inside my mind who is he speaking to? Is it me? It is a school teacher? Is it God? He grabs my face. "Forgive me;" he tells me before he kisses me again. I try to push him away, but he just presses himself onto me as he eases his hunger for sex with hunger for kisses. I kiss him back, we make out, it is almost like love; but hours pass and he is not at work and I not at school. It doesn't matter. For a long while the world stops and we are like real lovers acting out a play where we could almost be real lovers only we are not. It's a romance movie - two people in love, making love, with love inside their heads while worshipping each other. Everything feels good, every touch is divine, every kiss perfect; the world is almost perfect, but then comes the truth with a splash - we were just acting like lovers, we are not in love at all. He pulls away after shivering. Maybe it's the car on the front lawn, maybe it's the radio in the distance, maybe it is the sun sinking in the sky; but something spooks him, and he moves away. "What's the matter?" I asks. "Don't you love me?" He shakes his head, and then he stumbles out the door before fast making his way to the shower. I bask on the bed and I hide. I listen to the shower, then the chatter of voices, and then I smell cooking - the world is functioning again, and I have been forgotten. I wipe my eyes, and when the house is in bed I get up to have a shower. My whole body is sore and I stagger as though I have been hit by a car. "I hate him!" I whisper before I open his bedroom door. He is asleep. he lays on his back and my mum on her side. It is detached, broken, alienated. I want to tell myself to go away but I want to prove a point. So I move to the bed, I open the covers on his side, and I slide over his to fit in-between them both. Then I touch his face, I touch his chest - he breathes in a deep breath and then he wakes. "What is it?" he asks not even looking at me. I feel my heartbeat inside of my fingers as I continue to rub his chest. He laughs then he wipes my hand away as though it is an annoying fly. I crawl my fingers onto his chest again, and he rolls over to face me. "Don't even look at me, I don't love you;" he mutters. I freak. Is he looking at me? I can't tell. He rubs his eyes, then he turns me around. "You want it bitch?" he asks as he gets on top of me. I can't even talk. He grabs the top of the bed and rapes me like I am less then his lover. He grunts as all my blood vessels spark. I scream! The lights are turned on, and I grow red faced as two other people scream. "get it out!" my mum screams. "I can't!" he shouts before he pulls my hair. "What the hell are you doing in here?" he asks me. I can't even talk as hot tears roll down my face. "It was a mistake!" my mum reassures me. "More then a mistake!" he gasps before he finishes me off with another push. "Get off!" he yells before he separates himself from me. I groan out my next breath as a weak tear dribbles out from my eye, then red dribbles down my thighs like I have just been broken. "You think you're smart don't you!" he growls yanking at my hair. My mother pulls him away. "A mistake!" she yells. "Well your ass is bleeding now isn't it?" he asks with strain before he turns away. I can't even move. I just cry as my brain continues to scream. "Take her to her room;" tells mum. "Fine!" he gasps before he collects me as easily as a person collects a rag doll. He carries me to my room and drops me onto my bed. There he swings three punches before he leaves me alone. I cry, and clutching my blankets I cry more and more. Then the sun rises and my cries grow weak, and that is when I finally fall asleep. "