Bad Feelings

I don't like feeling this way. It's like all the hate in the world is heaped on my shoulders and it's hard for me to get off the floor. Sometimes I just like to lay around feeling sorry for myself, I look at the roof and see the sky; it's so dull but I stare as though stars are twinkling - it is an escape? Wheels on the drive break my thoughts and I feel my heart beat go wild. It's like that in my dreams - there is a big black cloud chasing me and all I can do is freak out. I wish it would go away, but it doesn't - the front door opens and I want to scream as though there is a robber inside. A knock on my door and I wish it had a lock. But it doesn't, it's just a gate that can be opened at will. Last Christmas there was a drunk there - it was my uncle, he looked at me as though I were fresh bait, and I had to scream at him to make him go, and when he left his shadow turned into my dad and he yelled at me. "Be nice! Be respectful!" he lectured with drink on his own head. "Piss off!" I shouted back. Then I was thrown into the den and kicked down until I could no longer think. Rules, rules, rules; so many rules to be broken. What are they for? To stop you from screaming. I have to bite my fingers to stop it, but most of the time I am screaming and so I just get hit again. "Hello;" he says as though he has just swallowed an old womens novel. "Hi;" I mutter as I suck in my breath. Then a rush of foul words enter my mind as the screams from horror movies swell up inside my brain. I like to watch them - the horror, the screams, the drama, the scare; but then they freak me out, like the lights have just turned off and I feel like jumping. "How was your day?" he asks. I think. What can I think but another bitter remark - the day was too hot, a teacher was too harsh, I didn't get a good grade; all the worse side of the day comes to me and I am hit with four layers of truth all of which have a bitter end. "I said how was your day?" he asks as though a snake has just replaced him mind so that he can hiss at me. "It was just another day;" I mutter with a shrug. "Okay;" he nods as though he has just been slapped in the face and needs quick offence. I stand there looking at him - he looks at me so well I just want to drop my good mood and sink it into a black mood. I keep thinking he wants to look at me too long, and I makes me want to hit him hard; but the hard truth is he wants to hit me and he can't find the excuse to do it. So I tease him a little, I keep my manners, and every time I do he gnaws on his own crackers like he is starved when he is waiting, counting the seconds with bitterness on his tongue. "Can you leave me alone?" I ask. He smiles at me - a hot smile which has a twist of evil on its edges. He thinking it is charming, but it makes me want to squirm. I wish I could hammer my head because my heart feels like it dropping from bullet to the chest. "Do you want me?" I ask. He shakes his head. "No;" he mutters quick and fast while a blush rises to his face. his lips turn ice-still. It's like they have just turned into glass as an idea has hit his mind. He looks me up and down, and he shakes his head - am I disgusting? I have no idea, but he wants to throw me away. "Then go away;" I tell him as I hold my chin up high. I am scared - under my skin I am trembling; I feel as weakness in my head that sinks to my knees; am I wrong to toy with him? I remember nights when I hear him singing in the shower. I want to run inside and strangle him to make him stop, but if I did he'd be wrapping the rope around my neck and strangling me. I can't do it - so I go outside to scream; I scream inside my head while standing by the parked car in the driveway and i want to grab the car keys and speed it down a hill. "I want to kill him!" I think to myself as I stir poison into a soup. "I want him dead!" He walks up to me and grabs my neck and gives it a squeeze. I want him to stop but I stand there sobbing. He wants me dead, and all I want to do is run away. I put my fingers on his hand and he stops squeezing. I keep thinking and he keeps staring, and finally he drops his hand. "What do you want?" he asks me as he leans over to stare at my face. "Nothing..." I mutters as I look away. I look in the mirror in the distance and i see me and ask who I am? Am I even human to this monster? To answer he slaps me hard, once only. I feel a rush of blood to my head as I gasp. "You're mad!" he tells me in a voice hot and hard. "You're mad to not think that you are alone!" I feel the energy between us - it is hot and cold. There's head and both of us feel miserable, and it brings a storm of feeling that needs the wind to take away. "I'm here;" he tells me as he looks at me with narrowed eyes. "With you;" The thought of him being so near brings a shiver. I feel sick but my brave is still on top of my head. "So do you want me?" I ask as I feel my mind whisper words to break my head in. "Like hell I do!" he whispers so cold I feel scared once again. The hairs raise on my arms and I look in the mirror - in the back of my mind I see a shadow, he's stalking me as I walk in the middle of the night; I turn and ask if he wants something, he tells me to be quiet before he takes me to another shadow which blocks us both out. There's a car on the driveway - I turn my head, I can hear the rest of the family. But he does not. He grabs me and takes me to his bedroom where he throws me onto the carpet. I scream, but he grabs me so I can't scream and then he tells me words to make me quit. "You ain't nothing!" he gasps as he punches me hard in the stomach. I would scream but there's a feeling that hits me hard and I burst out crying. "Don't cry!" he mutters before kissing the tears off my face. I want to push him away, but he wants to be there more then me so he stays kissing me, tasting my tears, tasting my skin. the door opens and whoever is there can see him hovering over me. "What's going on?" they ask. "turn around, close the door!" he orders pointing hard. The door closes. The world is dark. He shivers before he kisses me again. He kisses me face, he kisses my lips, and then he kisses my neck. I push at his shoulders but he just keeps rubbing his mouth on my skin. "I don't want you!" I warn. "Me neither;" he mutters before he grabs my throat. He doesn't want me to scream; he doesn't want me to talk; he just wants me to stay quiet as he uses me like he uses a dirty magazine - for entertainment. Two seconds later someone else walks in, his mouth is moistening my shoulder and he feels like he is touching a button that makes him feel good. "Go away!" he orders not bothering to look around. "Go away! Leave us be!" he tells. I look over his shoulder and see his wife looking less like my mother and more like a stranger. She leaves, then she calls the family to the lounge room. "Why you going?" I ask as a storm of black covers the room. "I'm alive!" I gasp. "Not for long;" he tells me as he pushes his weight on top of me. he wants me. He has me. Now he will make his mark. I don't want him, but he needs to; and so I gulp as I beg my heart to stop!